TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

  As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal Mart yesterday, a
particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who
actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside.

  Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking
another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it
around, hitting an older man working there as a Wal Mart Greeter.

  As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind
and friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing toward the two
children, "Are they twins?"

  Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the
brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look
alike?"

  "No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe
you got laid twice."
  

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead -  (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay -  This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks -  A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

                 Deep Thoughts

Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

I love being married. It’s so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.

I wear my wife’s glasses because she wants me to see things her way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

The Professor's Wife

Crazy First Night

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

The Art of Targeting Fish Under the Ice

By Mark Leadens

Is there an advantage to the angler that is mobile and always searching for active fish? I think there is. Do you have to give anything up for the mobility? I’ll admit that the anglers in the big stationary shacks have a lot of comfort and room to spread out, but again, I’m after fish and I would venture to say that a mobile angler will catch many more fish than the anglers in the big stationary shacks.

The first thing I do to target fish under the ice is check around and see where they have been biting. This doesn’t mean I’m going to fish there. I figure if the word on the street is that fish are coming from an area, it’s a safe bet there will be a lot of people fishing there.

I’m going to target a spot that is similar to the location where the fish have been active. Let’s say the hot spot is a big weedy area and the edge of the weeds near a point has been producing well. If there is another area like that on the lake, I’ll be there.

I also want to know how deep, on what, and at what times of the day have been best. Believe it or not the bite can be a short duration thing on a specific bait, and you had better be in position then, or you’re out of luck.

Mobile anglers target their fish with a sonar. I use a colored flasher to find the fish and I also use the flasher to gauge the reaction of the fish to my bait. Here’s how.

Drill some holes in the area you plan to fish. Drop the transducer of the flasher in each hole and look for fish. In shallower water it’s hard to target fish on the sonar, but you can get an idea of the bottom type (sand, rock, mud) and how deep you are.

When you drop the lure down the hole it also shows up on the sonar. You can watch as fish swim up to the bait. They will either look and leave, or swim up and take a bite. If you have a lot of look and leavers, you’re doing something wrong and either need to change baits, colors, action, whatever. You see that getting the right combination of fish-triggering factors together requires some experimenting.

The sonar is probably the most important tool for mobile ice anglers because it gives them the ability to target actual fish. The next most important tool is the auger.

You have to drill a lot of holes. Fish concentrate in holes, dips, along weedlines, and around cover and you have to find the spot where these fish are concentrated. Just drilling one or two holes won’t give you enough locations to check to increase your odds of finding fish.

Mobile anglers typically opt for a gas or electric auger. You want something light, but strong, that will cut holes quickly. This means keeping the blades sharp.

Even though most mobile anglers are hard-core and could stand out in minus-30 windchills and not be fazed, it’s too hard to keep the holes open when it’s that cold. That’s why my friend and fellow ice angler, Dave Genz, designed the Fish Trap.

The Fish Trap is a one or two-person fish house on a sled. It allows phenomenal mobility, lots of room to store equipment, a place to sit down, and completely encloses the angler so you can stay warm and comfortable while fishing.

For some anglers the ability to have a few buddies in a heated shack to play cards, tell stories, and catch a few fish when they pass by is the ultimate winter fishing experience. For me, targeting some fish and figuring out what they want on a regular basis makes going out in the cold something I love to do, not something I have to do.

*~*S N O W M A N*~*

I made myself a snowman

As perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pyjamas

And a pillow for its head.

Then, last night it ran away.

But first…it wet the bed!!!