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October 31 Happy Halloween Top ten reasons why Halloween is better then SeX.
10) You're guarnteed to get a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look the easier it is to get some.
7) You dont have to compliment the person who gave you some.
6) Forty years from now you will still enjoy Candy.
5) Its OK if the person your with fantasizes about someone else, becouse you are.
4) If you dont like what you get you can always go next door.
3) It doesnt matter if the kids hear you MOANING and GROANING.
2) Less guilt the morning after!!
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. SaskatchewanWELCOME TO SASKATCHEWAN
Thank you for visiting our beautiful province. Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it the hell out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
4. Any references to 'grain fed' when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing.
15. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer. Read on if you dare!
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, 'Where have You been?' God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Michael, look what I've made!' Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance. 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, 'What's that one?' 'Ah,' said God. 'That's Saskatchewan, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Saskatchewan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!' God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the 'Ding Bats' I'm putting around them in North Dakota, Manitoba, Alberta, and North West Territories.' October 16 Fire!!!! Fire!!!! One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Yorkton rural township department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200 000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, .....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck." October 15 Turn Water into Wine Water or Wine As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom. in water there is bacteria.
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
October 14 THE GENIE > The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found abottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-flea-bitten camel! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said: "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. October 10 Something To Look Forwards To...
October 07 Sunday Quotes"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams __________________ October 04 I didnt Know???A NUN AND A PRIEST A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!" October 01 Tonto Lone Ranger & Tonto.....
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