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February 27 Take your best shot. Click on the link below and see if you have what it takes. If you hit the apple you get a different response then when you miss. LOL
February 25 Whats Your Handicap???A businessman was attending a conferance in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out, when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's' ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's' ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here." That's why you never lie about your handicap Linda....Ha Ha. February 24 Hospital Window Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was
allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours
on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
"I try to add a little cheer to all who visit this blog i call My Colours"
C-YA.... February 23 Good Friday?? Pearly Gates February 22 Looking for a painter??
February 20 Talking about Somethings I have done so farSome things i have done so far...
Are you Hot or Cold??? HOT & Cold Sex!!! After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August." February 16 Are you an OLD LADY??? One Day Down around the Old Grain Elevator-
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." February 15 Can i go golfing Carol???
February 14 Happy Valentines Day Happy Valentines to all the Ladies
I didnt wright these pickup lines but i got a laugh from a couple of them.
Enjoy your day ~Hugs~
Redneck Pickup Lines for Valentine's Day
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up ps..... I must be feeling frisky this morning lol. February 12 The day after Sunday GoodMorning.....a new week has started with our weather still cold. We started a couple of repaint jobs this morning and have to be completed by friday. This coming weekend is our first long weekend in Febuary.... thanks to our goverment. That will make the following week a day shorter for my work schedule. OH well we will get through it some how.
I have been busy this morning organizing my men and taking care of a few things like...taking my jeep to the shop for a recall on something, as well i bought a Gazzibo for out at the cottage. Now this may not seem like a good time to be buying a gazzibo, but i got it on sale lol. They will keep it for me untell i need to take it out to the lake.
Im home for a few minutes to check on a couple of estimates and then im off to the gym. I have a 2:30 appointment for the jeep and this evening i golf at 6.That will pretty much take care of Monday!!! Ohhh i should add a joke now as well just incase im not on again today.
Take Care ~Hugs~
Rectum Stretcher
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? "A rectum stretcher?" "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6-feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!" Traffic Ticket............... $95.00 Court Costs.................. $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS February 09 Tillie's Chicken StirFry This evening Carol was down with a headache so i offered to make supper. Carol had two chicken breasts thawing out, so i had a start.
This is now my recipe for
"Tillie's Chicken Stirfry".
Cut 2 chicken breasts into small strips. Heat a frying pan with 2 tablespoons of good Canadian Canola Oil. Sear the chicken for a couple of minutes. Precut 1/2 cups of baby carrots length wise. Chop one small onion into small pieces. Wash 4 fresh mushrooms and cut into large slices. Find the celery and red pepper in the crisper of your frig. Cut the pepper into long slices and chop the celery into cube size pieces. Not to small so you dont cut yourself. Now take the salt shaker and add some salt to the chicken...if the pepper shaker is close to the salt add some pepper as well.
Place a large pot on the stove and fill it 1/2 with water. Heat the water to boiling and add some whole wheat Linguine noodles. As many as you think you need. My guess was just right but i have been known to make to many noodles. Thats ok becouse they are cheap and you can throw away what you have extra.
Ok now when your chicken is almost cooked you add the onion, red pepper, carrots and celery. Place a lid on the pan and let this stuff cook slowly for a couple minutes or untell veggies start to sizzle. Now add the mushroom to the mix. After finding the Soya Sauce which Carol has hidden, you can add about 8 squirts out of the bottle. Next add about one teaspoon of Chicken Bouillon base.... i have no idea as to what it is but it gives this dish some extra flavor. Mix your ingredients around in the pan and cover again for a few more minutes.
Checking once in a while to make sure its not cooking to fast. Now when you check under the lid it should start to smell really Good. But you have one more ingredient to add and this is too ones personal taste. Its CAJUN Blackened Seasoning. I add about as much of this as i did the pepper. Stirr once more and let simmer for a couple more minutes. This will feed Carol and myself with about one serving left over.
Volia .....you have before you Tillie's Chicken Stirfry. ENJOY. OUCH!!!
My wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" February 08 Not your average day of Golf Golf Enthusiast
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began hisround with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon s possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?" February 07 Way-In and fun stuff Today is another one of our cold winter days. This morning our temp was a bomie -29c and with the windchill factored in it was -42c. Makes global warming hard to grasp. lol. I did my gym workout this morning and a quick weight check. With a lose of 12 lbs todate im feeling pretty good about myself. Its far from my goal but after only one month of dieting and working out im satisfide.
I have been busy the last couple of weeks with a renovation to a Boston Pizza. Today i recieved confirmation on a Bank of Montreal job. No not that kind of bank job..lol. Just a paint and signage upgrade.
We have in the planning stage, a golf trip scheduled for the last week of March. Leaving on the 23rd and returning on the 31st. We will be going down to South Carolina and playing 7 different courses. When i say (we) i mean 3 of my friends and myself. Carol will have already left on her train trip with her mom. Her holiday starts on the 14th of March.
The 7 coarses we have booked tee times for are as follows; March 24th ...Sandpiper Bay. March 25th...Crow Creek. March 26th...River Hills. March 27th...Oyster Bay. March 28th...Farmstead. March 29th Black Bear. March 30th...Pearl East.
As for accomadations we have a 3 bedroom house on a private course booked for our trip. Ill rent a van when we arrive so we have transportation to get us around. Now im waiting to see if i can find a seat sale for our flight, and we will be all set.
Now its only fitting this blog entry that i end with a golf joke...
True Confessions Of A Golfer
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.
February 04 Impress MeHow to Impress a Woman
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back for her. How to Impress a Man Show up naked. February 03 She is a What???? A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office
and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social insurance number, etc. and then asks, " What is your occupation? " " I'm a whore," she says. The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken back and says, " No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, " OK, I'm a high-end call girl.". "No, that still won't work. Try again ."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, " I'm an elite chicken farmer. " The accountant asks, " What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute ?" " Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year. " " Chicken Farmer it is!" February 01 Yes.. You Can Yes thats right ....You are hearing music again on my space. After over a month of waiting for "Filelodge" to get their act together i have given up on them. As of today im using "FileHut" to play my music. I hope you enjoy the song i have playing.. I have selected it especially for YOU...  Fountain of Youth
Once upon a time there were four older ladies that lived in Italy.... I have a limited supply of this water available for only $125.00 a bottle. No cheques, please!!!
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