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March 31 Thank-you Kevin for this Joke. A Letter Left on the Dinning Room Table......
My Dear Wife: You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband: I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that you, too, are 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!! Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
***************************************************************************************** The Father,Son and Grandfather A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes! were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little.
" After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt" Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.
"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
"The father knelt down and sighted! the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup
"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME. March 30 Just another day Today started out like most, got ready for work, got my guys going for the day. finished a wallpaper job and did some touchups for a carpet company that did some damage to the walls of a ladies house. I worked on a couple of estimates for a building contractor.
Thats when my day changed from what i call normal. Carol and i went to visit my dieing friend. When i walk into the house, he was in a hospital bed in the livingroom. He doesnt look the same anymore. He has aged about 20 years and his skin is yellow in colour. His wife says he sleeps alot now and was sleeping when we arrived at 2:30 in the afternoon. He is no longer strong enough to walk.....a wheelchair is now his means of moving around in the house. I had to help him move from the bed to the chair. Im afraid he wont be in the chair much longer either.We spent a hour visiting and then left feeling like that maybe the last time i see him alive.
Yesterday Carol and i went to a city about 90 minutes drive from our home. My friends wife asked if we could pic up a box that she had found in a store there. Yes a box for his ashes .......not your normal request. I guess its part of living...doing things for friends.
I worked out this afternoon, but just wasnt feeling in the mood. I managed to finish, showered and returned home in time for supper. After supper we went to our bowling league rolloffs. I guess im feeling the effects of this afternoon becouse i wasnt in my usual carefree mood. Just went through the motions and returned home after we were done.
Sorry no jokes today .......... 10 Ways10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time. March 27 Monday's Golf Joke A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of them is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
" His friend then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years." " Footprints in the sandAuthor Unknown
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me. " The Lord replied, "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You." March 25 Cabbie Joke TimeBlowjob and the Cabbie
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- March 24 Birthday Party One of our staff had her 50th birthday party this evening. We had a few drinks and then went out for supper. Had a few laughs and a good time.The comversation about blogs came up and i said i had one. I was asked why???
Why do i have a blog? I said that its a place i created for myself. Whether or not anyone else reads it, it give me a place to express myself. Never before have i been able to put in print what is on my mind. I like been able to sit down and but my thoughts into readable sentences. With the odd spelling error LOL. Put thats me, good or bad, its all part of who i am.
Time for a good nites sleep.
Im planning on going out to the lake with my brother tomorrow. If its warm tomorrow we will take my dad ice fishing. Ill turn on the heat in the cottage and Carol will come out in the afternoon. We are going to staying the nite and returning home on sunday evening. Enjoy the weekend friends. March 21 I tried the Colour Quiz
IM FEELING BETTER TODAY.....REALLY Chinese Translations
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...
Ai Bang Mai Ne ...I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu ...A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat ....You need a face lift
Dum Gai .....A stupid person
Gun Pao Der ...An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung... Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ....We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun.... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ...Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ....Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ...Not verygood
Lin Ching ...An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding... A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn.... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ....A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be.... A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne .....A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ....Serving drink to people
Wan Bum Lung ....A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan .....Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah ....Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ....Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting..... There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan ....A device to keep you cool
jUST iN cASe yOu Go tO ChInA ......yOu sHouLd kNOw tHis..
SEX PLEASE MORE SEX PLEASE!!!!!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
And here i thought it was just for fun. March 20 NO MUSIC Sorry people but file lodge is again having trouble with their system. I am unable to play the song i have on my media player untell they are back to normal operations. March 19 Friends ??? So we all have them. Some are better then others.Some you cant live without and others you only see rarely.Few are close enough to be soul mates.Many think they are "friends".You cant survive without them.Some you know little about.Others you know better then they know thenselves.A day never goes by without seeing one or getting a call from one.They share your sadness and your good times.When you can help or give advice to one it makes your day. They are there to share and care for and about the things that are on your mind. Lost for years and reunited the bond is still there ..like it was just yesterday you were last together. As you go through life they change and strengthen their bond to you. Knowing you have them for support and trust help us build on life adventures.When one leaves this place we call "life" it pulls hard at ones heart. Knowing there will be a gap in your life that no one will or can fill. ....We will all miss you Myron (Mytie) one of my family of friends.
The song i have playing say a lot about how im feeling right now. March 18 2 Jokes today When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he ever had. *25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP!!!
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up.
" 8.. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up.
" 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Mc Donald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff.
" 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again.
" 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?
" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt!! Weekends here!!!! Good-day People
Today is the going to be different for me becouse "I Have Too Work". Yes poor me has to install privacy window treatments at some goverment offices when the staff is not there. I wouldnt want to disrupted those "HARD WORKING Employees"
Our Kids are home for the weekend and Carol's brother and his wife are here as well for a week.
They are from Vancover and it will be nice to visit with them over the next few days. He is a car guy and was really excited about the motor in my SS. Started telling me a lot of technical stuff about how the engine produces all its power. Well coffee is on and i can smell bacon cooking in the kitchen.Take care All ......
Ok new entry ....Im done my windows. With Carols help we were done in 4 hours. Now we are going to have a bite to eat and in about a hour we plan on going to the gym for a workout. After that i plan on laying low for the rest of the weekend. Have some time to visit with the kids and carols brother and his wife.
The second round of the playoffs started last nite and the home team won by a score of 5 to 2. Its the best of 7 series and if they win that they play in the finals for the provincial chanpionship. A title they won last year.
March 17 Happy St, Patrick's DayIrish Blessing
Wherever you go and Whatever you do,
May the luck of the Irish Be there with you!
May your glass be ever full May the roof over your head
Be always strong And may you be in heaven Half an hour before
The devil knows you're dead.
May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrock
May your heart be as light as a song
May each day bring you bright happy hours That stay with you all year long.
May the lilt of Irish laughter Lighten every load
May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road
May you taste the sweetest pleasures That fortune e're bestowed
And may all your friends remember All the favours you are
May your troubles be less And your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness Come through your door!
May the Good Lord take a liking to you...
But not too soon!
Happy St Patrick's Day! March 15 Todays Joke As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." MSN HeLP Finally ...I sent a message to msn tecnical support last nite telling them about how i cant add photos to my space. Well today I recieved a email from Nadia at Msn. She explained that they are having simular problems with other msn spaces. She then gave me a couple of things i should try to correct my problem and then to let her know if it made any difference.
Well im happy to say that yes i have my photos of Mexico in my photo blog. I added them and a few of Carol and our SS. Ill add one to this blog to make sure its working.
Its turned cold here the last few days and we have had some more snow. (Shovelled my driveway 3 times in a week)
I spent a hour at the dentists this morning to have my teeth cleaned.
OHHH yea nice and shinny!!! Picked up carol and then went to the gym for a good workout and a 20 minute tanning session. .(Trying to keep my tan for a little longer) We eat lunch at "Subway" ...a sandwich and a glass of milk. " Life is GOOD"......Garth |
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