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April 26
The owner of a golf course in Saskatchewan was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Saskatchewan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'
(You gotta love those Saskatchewan women.}
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A group of Saskatchewan friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they
inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going
to steal Henry!'
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A senior in Saskatchewan was overheard saying . 'When the end of
the world, comes, I hope to be in Saskatchewan.'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Saskatchewan because
everything happens in Saskatchewan 20 years later than in the rest
of the civilized world.
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The young man from Saskatchewan came running into the store and
said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? '
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number.'
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NEWS FLASH! - Saskatchewan's worst air disaster occurred when a
small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of
Saskatchewan students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.
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The Saskatchewan RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 16.
The RCMP officer asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?
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A man in Saskatchewan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it
either.'
| April 18
Well Carol and I are off to Prince Rupert to visit our daughter and drop our other daughter off. She will stay with Kristy for a couple of months and then come back with her in July. We will be gone for a week so this will be my last joke for awhile. I hope it puts a smile on your face.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
April 17 Two businessmen in Vancouver are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. The store isn't ready as only a few shelves are
set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some jackass tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old fellow from Saskatchewan (the green Wheat Pool hat was a dead giveaway)
walks to the window, has a peek, and in a slow drawl asks, "What are
you selling here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Saskatchewan fellow says, "Well business must be booming, I see you only got two left!" April 16
Subject: You'll love this one!
After 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening,
when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn't in some
time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, then caressed
her
shoulders and began moving down past the small of her back. Slowly he
worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing
gently
over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Proceeding up her inner
thigh, he stopped at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.
Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey,
that
was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
'I found the remote.' April 14
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that.
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my
April 13
A wise man once told me:
"Beware the toes you step on today, for they may lead to the a$$ you have to kiss tomorrow."
April 05
Subject: In The Beginning
God said, "Adam, I want you
to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
!
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez...."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was
back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
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