Top joke in Canada

          When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

Top joke in Australia

           This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

 

Top joke in Belgium

           Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

 

 Top joke in Germany

            A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

 

What is the difference between A Harley and a Hoover ?

 The position of the dirt bag

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

 

 Why is air a lot like sex?

 Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

 A golden retriever.

 

 What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

 

 What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

 45 minutes

 

 What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

 Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are Sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

 Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

 What's the difference between a new husband and a new Dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

What makes men chase women They have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no Intention of driving.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

 Because they have cotton balls.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when She found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

 Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

 Mace will do that to you.

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

 Everyone has the same DNA.

 

 Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

 Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools Use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 

 Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses It.

 

 Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

 

What would you call it when An Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

 What does it mean when the Flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

 They're hiring.

 

What's the difference between A southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal On the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between A northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe This s....t"

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

 No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

 

 

 

 Did you know that the human body produces its own supply of alcohol naturally on a continous basis, 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

 The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BAFT) bans the word "refreshing" to describe any alcohol beverage.

 Did you know moths are not really attracted to light? Moths fly towards the blackest point which is behind the  light.

 The Vampire bat has less teeth than the other bats because it doesn't chew its food.

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup  of coffee.

 It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

 Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

 Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

 A "hairbreadth away" is 1/48 of an inch.

 The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

 Butterflies taste with their feet.

 Cockroaches can change course as many as 25 times in one second, making them the most nimble animals known.

      Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game.

 

                    She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think. So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

 

                    So God calls to Adam and says,"Adam i have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam replies, "The good news." God answers, " Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." Then Adam says, "Ok, so whats the bad news?" And God says, " I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time."

 

 

 

 

 

 

              We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

 

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

 

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

                            THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND..

         

 

              After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."

                A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked."Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well, then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead .. take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well ... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..........."Hello Mom, can you hear me?"