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April 19 Stomach Wows
A Flat Stomach A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..' 'You are wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!! February 22 Top 2008 JokesTop Four 2008 Adult Jokes Fourth Place : ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill worked in a pickle factory. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal =============================================== December 17 Seasons Greetings I wanted to post this to all my friends that visit here once in a while. When im home from sugery i will have more time to spend on my space.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!! December 07 Time out for a Joke??
Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Western Canada, a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts. October 26 Just got this joke and had to pass it on. Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and keep them on the end table.
Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.
The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table. She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
'Here it comes'
August 10 Long Time Ago... First ill say Hi to my friends and fellow spacer's. I have been away from my blog for to time. I have all the excuses to use... work, summmer, no time. I know some of you have been on carols space and know all is well here. I have been to see my surgen again and am now on the list for another hip. Over the last few months the pain has increased dramatically. Im now on a healthy diet of Morphine. My kids have given me a new nic name.(Happy Dad) lol.
Work is going well with 9 guys now i have the man power to keep my jobs on schedule. The summer is going by quick and we have been able to spend some time at the Cottage. I sold my boat this spring and havent found a replacement as of yet. When i have time this winter, we will shop for a new one. ( a Pontoon boat is a option). We replaced our driveway with paving stones and im working on our deck this weekend. Just replacing the deck boards with new treated ones.
All of our kids are home for the weekend and this morning our house was full of sleeping friends of theirs. Just like old times here lol.
No joke for this post but i will have some to enter soon. I hope your all doing ok, i have to visit and see whats new with you.
Take Care... May 08 Rubber GlovesNext time you use a pair of rubber gloves, You're going to smile when you think of this:
'Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well 'Im almost there'
May 07 ShoppingSubject: Fw: Beer
April 26 Jokes and Saskatchewan
April 18 Going Going Gone!!!! Well Carol and I are off to Prince Rupert to visit our daughter and drop our other daughter off. She will stay with Kristy for a couple of months and then come back with her in July. We will be gone for a week so this will be my last joke for awhile. I hope it puts a smile on your face.
 An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin' April 17 Business is Good Two businessmen in Vancouver are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. The store isn't ready as only a few shelves are
set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some jackass tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old fellow from Saskatchewan (the green Wheat Pool hat was a dead giveaway)
walks to the window, has a peek, and in a slow drawl asks, "What are
you selling here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Saskatchewan fellow says, "Well business must be booming, I see you only got two left!" April 16 You'll love this oneSubject: You'll love this one!
April 14 BirdieA man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..." "Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that.
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the man "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over. Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my April 13 Thought for today...A wise man once told me:
"Beware the toes you step on today, for they may lead to the a$$ you have to kiss tomorrow."
April 05 In the Beginning!!!Subject: In The Beginning
March 16 Hotel Bill
March 12 OH Canada OH CANADA
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.' God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.' 'But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?' 'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.' AND NOW YOU KNOW......... February 18 A gift for my Wife A Gift for my Wife
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
February 16 NostalgiaNOSTALGIA I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. 'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!' She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!' So I told her to f*** off. February 04 Im In Mourning...
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